Why is it that I always find myself in this frustrating situation that barricades me into an insane amount of thoughts?
So I accidentally met my future wife a few years too early, and now there’s nothing I can do about it but consume my thoughts with questions and ideas on figuring her out!
Now here’s the part where I’m probably being a tad too open…
So I’m used to the whole ‘people judging me from a distance for the person I look like on the outside’, and then having people realize that I’m not the pretty, snobby bitch I look like, but in fact, a really nice, fun and cool chick!
And look, I’m not going to lie, attention comes easily to me, I don’t really have to do much to catch someone’s eye…
So then why is it when I try get overly noticed by the one girl I’m goggly eyed for, I can’t?!?
Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t actually know what technics to use when catching someone’s eye, or what? But it’s driving me insane! Especially seeing the girls that do catch her eye, it’s as if she underestimates the beauty that radiates off her physically and mentally!
Now please don’t go thinking I’m some snobby twat who thinks she’s amazing, because that’s not true…I’m not cocky, I’m just confident in the fact I know I’m a good looking girl, who knows how to make you laugh?
So now, I need your help!
HOW DO I GET HER ATTENTION?!?!
That horrible moment when all you want to do is cry quietly alone, but not being able to, because you’ve taught yourself not to cry….
Here I am, sitting at the shore line, wondering where my life is begin taken, and what path I need to follow down next. There’s so much in my life that I haven’t yet achieved, yet there’s also so much that i have, especially for someone at such a young age. So many different questions arise my mind, which confuse my direction. Most questions that are tearing my inner thoughts revolve around Family, Wealth, Sexuality, and Happiness.
It so easy to loose yourself in this day in age. People come and go into your life. Heart ache builds false walls. Sexuality becomes more varied. Money is something we depend on. True happiness is hard to achieve…
Family: I question numerous thoughts that revolve around the topic of Family, nearly everyday. So many questions that need answering. As a little girl I always grew up believing I would have that beautiful white wedding, with my handsome husband. We would live in a beautiful house and share the growth of inspiring children. I know this is what my mother dreamed my future would be like too, and it aches me to know the disappointment i’ve brought with my sexuality. I know deep down she still believes that this will be my future one day, and I hope one day i can make her proud with the person i am too.
Sexuality: Being a gay girl in a straight little bubble sucks! Not only are there people constantly judging you for your sexuality, but you’re constantly in fear of who it’s okay to be out to and who it’s not. Maybe it’s just a ‘phase’ just like my mother thinks. At times i wish it was, that way i could just go back to being ‘normal’ not having to worry all the time about my future, my career, my friends, and my family. I worry at work if I should finally tell my boss that i’m gay, but what if being gay somewhat ends my career? I need my job. Every time she asks me about my weekends and if i met any cute guys, or who’s the guy taking me on a date that evening, or how my boyfriend is, or anything related to me being sexually interested in males, i just feel like blurting out ‘I’m gay’.
Wealth: Our economy is becoming almost unliveable for the average house hold family. I have two paths in which i can follow down, but once i choose one, theres no turning back. I can be a psychologist, who will be earning more then enough money, and my future family will be able to live easily. However being a psychologist isn’t where my heart is at any longer. I’ve finished the university side to my psychology degree but i’ve also started and nearly finish the degree in which my heart lays; Television and Media. If i take the media path there’s no confirmation that i will be earning enough money to support my family fully in the future. I’m not a money crazed person, and as a uni student i can easily live on $100 (not including bills) a week, but I don’t want my family to have to worry about if we’re going to make it another week or not.
Happiness: I need to make sure that i choose the right path to my future, but do i choose the path that makes me happy, or the path that makes everyone around me happy?
Happy me path: I choose my media career, I find the woman of my dreams and live in love together.
Happy them path: I choose the psychology career path, Marry an man and live ‘happily ever after’ just as i had always dreamt while growing up.
I mean I could always try to be straight? i could probably love a man, i mean i have before? I definitely wouldn’t sexually be pleased at all or be sexually attracted but i’m sure that if i really convinced myself mentally i could somewhat be? My mother would be happier, and she’d be able to rest easy when the time came. I’d want her to be proud of the life she lived and be able to say that she did her job well.
I’ve constantly sacrificed my true happiness for the happiness of others. It brings me happiness to know that my sacrifice has helped them, but when is it going to be my turn for that happiness? i want to truly be happy with something i have achieved selfishly, but how could i possibly be so selfish as to see others hurt around me for my own happiness?
My darling Zara, when will you ever learn?
Games won’t get you anywhere, and heartbreak only curses you.
You’ve set out to fix your life but it seems those mistakes you made are still mistakes you’re making.
I’ve told you once, I’ll tell you twice, but the third time, I’ll switch off the light.
You’r loosing me, my darling.
I’m trying not to let go.
But don’t say you love me and you miss me then go running the other way.
I’ve come for you several times now, and found you laying still.
Please don’t tell me that you need me, and that your love is true.
I don’t want to hear you speaking sweetly, I don’t want hear you call my name.
I’m not coming running anymore, till you understand your game.
My darling Zara I know you have it in you.
Stop playing games and just be you…
As a group (15) of us gay girls stumbled up the road and into kings cross, chugging down our alcoholic drinks with cigarettes in hand, laughing stupidly at pointless things, I knew it was going to be a good night! I mean how could it not? This ‘banging’ chick had come up from Melbourn to play at tonights event (yeah I was getting with that!). I was surrounded by a large group of my lesbian friends, Mel was also playing tonights event, we had VIP service (free entry & drinks), and Sammy wasn’t going to be there because her and her girlfriend Dee weren’t allowed at candy’s because of their resedencies elsewhere in the cross, that didnt approve of Candy’s. It was going to be a good night!
As we danced the night away, around the DJ booth, and consumed even more alcohol. The girls played their sets, and Ell and I took the photographers fancy as he just snapped away while we pulled as many poses as possible. A few straight girls even tried a little drunken flirt with us (bless them). It was definitely a good night. Ell and I decided to take a little break from partying like rockstars and go upstairs to have a cigarette. As I turned on my heels to face the doorway in which we were about to walk out of, my heart just stopped, my face dropped and I felt my stomach turn sick. Not because i had drunken too much alcohol but because as i turned to look at the door, i found myself looking straight at Sammy, and her girlfriend Dee. WHAT WERE THEY DOING HERE?!?!? Ell looked over to where my eyes had frozen, and realized exactly what had just come over me. She slid her hand in mine and whispered reassurance into my mind. I took a deep breath and followed Ell as she led me out the door and upstairs for a much needed cigarette.
As we smoked our cigarettes I told Ell I was ready to leave. That my night had ended, and I was tired. I didn’t want to have to deal with being belittled by Sammy and Dee. I didn’t want to have to feel as though I had eyes piercing through my skin with conversation about false stories that Sammy spat out. Ell convinced me to stay though, she made me realize that I can’t let them bully me anymore. I needed to stand my ground! My friends were in there too, and I wasn’t going to hide away in the corner and let Sammy and Dee walk all over me anymore. So I walked back in with my head held high and my dignity strong. Sammy and Dee were over at the bar buying drinks. I placed my things back down and continued to dance the night away as if I had no worries in the world. As I continued to dance with the rest of the girls and Loz (the babe from Melbourne), I noticed Sammy and Dee standing awkwardly at the bar considering what to do, and probably what I was still doing there. Sammy took charge (of course), and came to stand next to the section in which my friends and I were partying the night away. It felt so good to have that power back, to be in control like that again. They weren’t coming in to our section, not while i was there at least, and I wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon! I could see how much my confidence itched at Sammy’s skin. Her teeth began to clench and her eyes pierced with hatred. I was in control now and she knew I wasn’t going to back down. Suddenly she spotted my weakness…Loz…she whispered sweetly into her ear pointed at me and let her no that i was a ‘no go’. FUCK! I wanted to strangle Sammy there and then. I wanted to pounce on her like a panther hunting it’s pray! I was ready to rip her into pieces and chuck her in an ambulance, but I held my restraint. I turned around to make sure that she couldn’t see the fire burning inside of me and continued to dance. I took a few deep breaths and started to smile like I hadn’t a single worry in the world. Then I turned around so that she could see my expression again. The shock that lay on Sammy’s face will forever photographed into my memory. This was the moment I saw everything inside of her. It was as if her shell had just smashed into a million pieces and I was finally seeing everything. I’d finally beaten her at her own game.
The awkward moment when you hop onto a bus, take a look around, and there’s only one seat left next to a stranger you know nothing about. You consider standing, but think about the long bus ride and the distant walk home from the bus stop, so you take the seat. The stranger next to you shuffles over to ‘make room’ for you to sit down, but really there’s enough room for two of you to sit down spaciously together. You awkwardly take the seat, trying to take up as little room as possible, leaving you uncomfortably sitting half off your seat and dangling into the isle. You don’t say a single word to the stranger sitting next to you or even make any type of eye contact, you just watch them in your peripheral vision just as they watch you the same way. The bus begins to move and you’re both awkwardly trying your very hardest not to even skim the other persons touch. A seat becomes free and you mentally argue with yourself wether or not you should take the free seat or stay awkwardly where you are. You finally come to the conclusion that if you move, it may offend the stranger who has been so awkwardly kind to you on your trip….
I’m sitting in a café just up the road from my house. Regulars walking in laughing and sharing jokes about their usual coffee orders. A couple sit down next to me and begin to chat. As the man shares all his life problems with the lady, I think to myself..is that normal? Do people share all their problems with others like that? It seemed so easy for the man, as if it was a smooth flowing waterfall. How can you open up to someone like that? How can you just blurt everything out and be okay with people knowing you’re not okay, that you need their help? The man was weak in my eyes. He was a fully grown man, he should know how to stand tall and battle his own problems without the help of others! As I drove to the hospital to deal with issues of my own, I was raged at how cowardly this man was! At how pathetic and weak he was, seeking help from that woman! As I sat in the car, parked outside the hospital, I looked up and began to cry. I was breaking, but I knew I needed to dry these tears, stand tall and walk in there with that glorious smile that told people that nothing could bring me down! As I began to strengthen up, the realization hit me, and those tears came back again…that man wasn’t weak or pathetic or cowardly for seeking help from that lady, he was brave! I was the coward! I was the one that couldn’t accept that it’s okay to need help. It’s okay if you can’t deal with problems that life gives you on your own. I sat in the car fighting with myself about weak and strong for a while, shedding tears then drying them up as soon as I could. I decided that I would finally try to reach out to someone, I’d let someone in. As I look through my contacts a name pops out to me so I give them a MSG:
Indy: I need you
Jorden: what do you mean?
Indy: It means that I need you because something has happened and I can’t and don’t want to deal with it all on my own…
Jorden: Sorry Indy, I’m out at a work function.
Indy: Look Jorden, I wouldn’t be asking for you if I could do this on my own, I really need you and I’m finally asking you for help…can you please help me.
Jorden: Sorry Indy, I’m out I’ll talk to you later… I sat there numb starring into my phone at that message.
Tears began to run down my face and drop onto my clothing. I closed my phone and wiped my tears, took a deep breath and numbed my feelings again, just like I always do. I blamed myself for her response. It was the exact reason that I constantly numbed my feelings, because nobody really deep down wants to have to walk into the darkness and carry someone back through the door with light…we’re all scared, nobody wants to be blind especially for someone else…my problems are mine, and mine only. Maybe someday I will try ask for help, but for now, this is my life, my problems, and my feelings. I need to be strong for everyone like always, and I can’t let my emotions break me. I’m a soldier at the front of the line in a war. I will conquer this kingdom and bring happiness to all who share a place in my heart. I will fight this battle in honor of them all….
So I found out about this pretty cool lesbian DJ named Dee. I tried to book her in to play at one of my events, sadly she was a bit too booked out having numerous residencies around Sydney. I then ended up bumping into her at my usual Thursday night party place. It happened to be that she was also a regular there too! We got to know each other over a few weeks and then I ended up bumping into her at GiRLTHING. We had a bit of a dance, but I didn’t really see much of her that night, because we were just off with our different group of friends. I went out the following thursday to my usual party destination and bumped into her again. We exchanged numbers and danced the night away. We spoke about outings we should have and really got to know each other as friends. This girl was really awesome. not only was she beautiful on the outside but she didn’t seem to have that horrible ‘i’m a hot DJ’ attitude that made most DJ’s believe they were better then majority of society. She told me how most of her friends were straight and her gf was the only gay girl she really hung around. I knew she had a gf, and i knew her name was Sammy, but what I never figured out was that her gf Sammy was the same Sammy that used me for gigs a few months ago. When she finally told me that her girlfriend was a DJ too how went by the name of Sammysound, i panicked. I knew right then that this wonderful friendship i had found was not going to work at all. Finally, it had come time for her to leave and so we said our goodbyes and promised to catch up soon! Half an hour later i received an inbox on Facebook from Dee…
DEE: So I just found out that you and Sammy hooked up a while back.
I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me from now on…you’ve been so nice to me for ages. I thought you’d have the decency to at least back off considering you were one of the sluts she was with when we weren’t together.
I hope that I’ve made it clear where we stand.
INDY: I honestly was just making friends Dee…I didn’t even know about you guys while me and Sammy were together, I only realised tonight that you two were together, but i was hoping it wouldn’t come between our friendship?? don’t you think that’s a little unfair Dee? How was I suppose to know about you or what not when I’ve been living in my little bubble and Sammy just came to town for a gig, and continued to keep me secluded from the lesbian scene in sydney…I’m sorry that you feel hurt by it and everything Dee but I honestly didn’t know about anything going on between you two till tonight…I really don’t think it’s fair that you unleash this anger on me, when all I was honestly trying to do was make friends…I’m sorry that you feel as though I’ve hurt you and I’m hope we can get past thins…
DEE: It doesn’t matter now, what’s done is done and we will never be friends. Please don’t reply to this.
Why was she punishing me for something I did in my past? How was I meant to know all those months ago that I was going to meet Dee and get along so well with her? I came to the conclusion that if she is childish enough to act like this after something from my past that I had no way of fixing now then I didn’t really want to be her friend either…